your room smells of hookers.
And success
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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