what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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