I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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