he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Let's get the cat blown out
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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