I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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