if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Found the puke drawer
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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