My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.