The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
