In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
