Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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