Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
