nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
