can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
