I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize