So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
