i permit you to call me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
