My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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