my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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