you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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