I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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