DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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