I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
