Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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