we have pet lesbian snakes
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
