this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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