She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
