The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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