I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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