Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
