what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
