this boner is exhausting
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
