I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
