I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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