my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
