i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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