Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
