I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
