nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
