I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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