remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
