My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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