I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
