a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
