I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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