six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
