Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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