no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
