From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
