no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
