She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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