I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
