My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
