new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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