If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
